What says Happy Birthday better than a cliche?
Unle Boff, Jeffy, Heffy, Baby J, Middle Bro - I hope your birthDay is everything a Rockstar like you deserves.
FUN FACTS ABOUT JEFF
- He laughed out loud when he was just days old (mom).
- Jeff once texted me the following: My plans to rock you like a hurricane have been downgraded to a tropical depression. (Stephanie)
- He met and married someone who allowed him to post things like this on Facebook “Girlfriend came home to find out she had mice. At least it wasn’t crabs.”
- When he was five years old he got up and made himself some eggs on the stove. (mom)
- But when he was two years old he climbed up to the second story of the house on a ladder outside. (matt)
- He knows more lines of stand-up than anyone. (Stephanie)
- When we were growing up he had an imaginary family that lived in Hawaii. It was very detailed and he would often threaten to go live with them. (matt)
- He will burst out laughing every time I say “I don’t know you, that’s my purse” (Dani)
- Jeff and Matt would get into such big fist fights with cousins (primarily Jeremy) that we weren’t allowed to see them as much as we would like. (Matt)
- When I was in kindergarten the class came to my house for my birthday and Jeff gave the cutest boy in my class a bloody nose. Jeff was 2 ½. It’s probably why Brian Druggie and I aren’t married today. (Dani)
- Ask him about running on the jetty in Ocean Shores? (Matt)
- One time the family went away skiing and Jeff stayed home and threw a party. He might have gotten away with it too, except there was a beer can on top of the Christmas tree. (and a police report).
- After that party, dad made him go and apologize to all the neighbors. (Matt)
- He offered to take vacation days and fly up to Seattle to take care of Rory when my dad was in the hospital. None of my friends up here understood how desperate we were because we hadn't made a big deal about my dad's cancer but Jeff KNEW. (Stephanie)
- Jeff has the most complex and full social calendar – I would typically need to give him at least a month’s notice to meet on a weekend in Davis. (Matt)
- He is the best person to long-distance watch a football game with via texts. (Stephanie)
- He and Jeremy once took that catamaran out at the cabin and sank it. (Stephanie)
- You are not really dead until Jeff announces it on Facebook. (Stephanie)
About 5 years ago Jeff came up with 25 things about himself that were pretty good too:
1. I am paranoid that everyone secretly hates my guts.
2. I am extremely insecure.
3. Other than traffic citations all my run-ins with the law have all been the same offense, Disturbing the Peace. Charged never convicted.
4. I prefer to travel to see people rather than things.
5. I have been to 3 countries outside of the US, Canada, Mexico and Brazil.
6. When at home I am actually very quiet.
7. My parents still lecture me.
8. My niece is my favorite person.
9. I am pretty good cook.
10. I once thought a friend of my dad's was dead, I was surprised when I saw him again.
11. I graduated high school with a 1.25 GPA.
12. I feel horrible when I am not honest with someone.
13. I broke a guy's nose once.
14. I often get told I look like Baloo form the Jungle Book or Fred Flinstone. I guess I am cartoon character.
15. I could listen to Elvis everyday.
16. I think Bob Dylan is overrated.
17. I hate it when people pile on.
18. I think OJ did it.
19. I will say anything if I think it will get a laugh. I have said some really out there things.
20. I wish people would call me more often.
21. I am easily bored.
22. I hate getting gifts, I never know if how I am reacting is what they were expecting. Also the best gift I feel is time spent together.
23. I like giving people gifts.
24. I always feel like an inconvenience, even in restaurants, I never send back food or complain about service.
25. I am in favor of the death penalty.
You were there for my first baby. (Jeff and Amelia)
And however many I had after that. (Jeff and Harris)
Amelia was so lucky that you lived in Sacramento during those early years - she got to have lunch with Uncle Jeff several times a week.
From Uncle Jeff’s birthday 2010
Me: Amelia, It's your Uncle Jeff's Birthday Saturday.
Amelia: Oooh. We should get him a Cinderella, or a Sleeping Beauty.
Me: Why?
Amelia: Uncle Jeff likes to play princess.
Me: I think we should give him something he loves.
Amelia: Ooh! (very excited now...) He loves ME! I will draw him a picture of me!
Me: He will love it.
Amelia: Oh yeah. He is going to go crazy for it.
Even after you moved away, we got you for regular dress up parties
And she has clearly inherited your sense of humor
The boys love the Uncle Boff so much too.
Other neices are pretty lucky to have you around now too.
And you have fun with your brother (hope it doesn't bring you down to see Old Monterey Blue Sweatshirt enjoying itself out in the wild. RIP OLD BLUE)
Willing to take on even the biggest foe.
Family:
HAPPY 40TH BIRTHDAY BABY BRO - I LOVE YOU FROM THE BOTTOM (see what I did there?) OF MY HEART!
Jeff’s musings when he turned 35
I am turning 35 this week and this birthday I reflected back more on my life than the other totally awesome 34. My life has been made up of wild and crazy chapters. Some not worth repeating, others by all means repeat. There are some stories no matter how many times I hear them, still funny. Like the time I got really drunk and asked everyone to punch me in the face. Or the time I ran into a friend of my dad’s who I was surprised to see. I honestly thought he was dead.
I have noticed that my parents were right about a lot and I now know what they were talking about when I was younger. All people younger than you are snot nose punks. Wherever I go there I am. Pay me now or pay me later are words to financially live by. Big boobs are nice, but big personality is better (My dad knows what he is talking about people). Everyone has some sort of prejudice, even towards me. It is ok because you probably feel the same way about them. Michael Jackson was weird.
They were also wrong about some things. Stranger danger philosophy as an adult won’t get me laid. It is ok to use drugs. You can cross the street before the light changes. Sometimes burning bridges feels great. There is never a bad time for dick jokes. It is ok to be a jerk especially if it means people don’t pester you about something. For example, the past few years at weddings people would ask me, when is it your turn to get married? I returned the favor by asking them when it was their turn when I ran into them at a funeral. They don’t ask me that question anymore, in fact they avoid me in general.
I have not danced like no one is looking or loved like I won’t get hurt or drank in moderation. I have however ran a bar tab up like I am made of money and picked a fight with someone not my own size and have a hangover that lasted 2 days.
My knees and eyes are not what they use to be. My hair is going grey. Hearing in loud places is getting worse. It is a blessing is disguised, because I don’t care what others have to say anymore and I only like hearing myself talk.
People have come and gone in my life and some just won’t leave. Some I miss every day, some I wish would come back just for a second so I could tell them to fuck off one last time. Good friends call to say hello, better friends send you naked photos of their girlfriends or wives. You can’t pick who you are related to, but they are usually the only ones standing by when you crash and burn. Unless you have a lawyer on retainer, then to hell with them. In my case, my legal dream is my family. Best in biz.
I am 35, so I guess for a male residing in the US this is half time. I should then strategize, not a real word, for the second half . I could just wing it though. It has worked out ok so far.
Jeff was once asked questions on facebook
What is your salad dressing of choice?
Any, except for the one in prison.
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
Chili's, no Ruby's no TGI Friday's, I can't decide so many good choices. Outback, I guess?
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Free
What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Not poison
What color cell phone do you have?
It is an eggshell back with off-white keys and bone colored trim.
Are you right-handed or left-handed?
back handed
Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Tonsils and self respect
What is the last heavy item you lifted?
My emotions
Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
Yes, I was jokingly saying I could kick Chuck Norris' ass. He heard me say it.
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
No, because I want to continue to use that line on women saying I only have one day left to live. I want to live damn it!!!!
If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Dr. Haywood Jablomi
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
Times are tough right now, so yes.
How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
1 flip no flop.
Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
Every G D day
Last person you talked to?
Andy Burden, I told him to go back to England. We don't have enough underwear here for him. Many Americans are being forced to go commando in these tough times.
Last person you hugged?
Your mom, she says for you to call her and asks why can't you be more like me.
Favorite Season?
Football
Favorite Holiday?
Billie
Favorite Day?
Otis
Favorite Month?
January it has New Year's, Football playoffs, Rose Bowl and my birthday all wrapped into 31 convenient days. My sisters birthday is in there somewhere, would it be rude for me to ask her when it is?
Missing someone?
No I usually hit on the first try.
Mood?
y Blues. I am suppose to be finishing sentences?
What are you listening to?
My self conscience, it thinks I am funny. I think it needs to get out more.
Watching?
My life drift away
Worrying about?
Why you haven't called
Do you always answer your phone?
Only when it asks serious questions.
It's four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
Paula, she is drunk and gambling with Da Kid
If you could change your eye color what would it be?
Invisible
Do you own a digital camera?
Why are you planning on robbing me?
Have you ever had a pet fish?
I did, then I discovered sushi.
What's on your wish list for your birthday?
End world hunger, peace on earth, make out with some random girl. I have a feeling 2 out of the 3 I can pull off.
Do you have any saved texts?
No, what people say to me doesn't matter.
Ever been in a car wreck?
A couple of good ones. In fact I was in one where Eliot screamed like a girl and Eric cussed out some old lady. Good times.
Do you have an accent?
Only when I am dreaming, it is Scottish-Mandarin.
What is the last song to make you cry?
Happy Birthday
Plans tonight?
Not get murdered. I live in Oakland.
Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
If this is what it feels like, then yes.
Name 3 things you bought yesterday?
Coffee, a salad and AIG
Have you ever been given roses?
Hell to the no. Oh wait yes I have. I use to be a bull fighter.
Current hate right now?
This
Met someone who changed your life?
I would just like to meet someone who will change my light bulbs. My life I can handle, it is the small things that bug me.
How did you bring in the new year?
Fed Ex'd it.
What song represents you?
She's Got The Look
Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Why so my life could suck earlier in time?
Would you be a pirate?
No comment
What songs do you sing in the shower?
Anything by Guns and Roses
Ever had someone sing to you?
Yes his name was Bruce and he did it in front of 20,000 of my closest friends.
Do you like to cuddle?
There is a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down.
Have you held hands with anyone today?
At my "Hands Across America - The Reunion" practice
Who was the last person you took a picture of?
Bigfoot
What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
Pat Benatar, but only her underground stuff
Do you believe in staying close with your ex's?
Hell no, they are exes for a reason and yes they all live in Texas.
Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
Most of my friends are old and gray.
Do you like pulpy orange juice?
Do you want a knuckle sandwich?
What is something your friends make fun of you for?
Nothing, I am prone to violence
What are you saving your money up for right now?
Surviving
When is the last time you ate peanut butter and jelly?
I think last year, but who cares.
What were you doing 12 AM last night?
Walking home after dropping off 3 drunk broads, that is just how I roll.
What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
It's Wednesday, then I got into the office and realized it was Tuesday. Idiot.
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